Wednesday, January 3, 2018

Rising From the Ashes

     Today was a pretty great day on most accounts. I woke up and got. shit. done. Things I had been postponing and prolonging, I just did. I told myself in the morning not to waste time; I even wrote it down as my corny little "goal of the day"... and it worked. I'm exhausted, but it was so worth it. I seriously kicked ass. And I'm not normally one to brag, but since this is my little "diary blog", I'll do whatever the Hell I please... and today I'm bragging a little.
     Today was honestly the first day I truly enjoyed what I do in a long time. I was so focused on being present, and it made all the difference in the world. The results with patients were great; conversations were incredible and meaningful; I was there for them and for myself. Now, I just have to train myself to make this kind of day a habit so I can fit even more into it. (Productivity is kind of addicting.)
     It's funny: A week ago I was so broken, I was numb. I needed to run away from life and fill my time with literally anything that would make me not think about my broken heart. I probably sulked a little for a day or so, and then realized that I needed to just slowly start picking up the pieces and putting them back together. I channeled all of the energy I had into getting as much checked off my to-do list as possible (which started as not much), then repeated it the next day (a little more), and the next (now we're getting somewhere). Within a few days, I was starting to feel like a new person because I was becoming a new person. Well, maybe not a "new" person, but a better version of myself. All of a sudden, my goals became important; I became important to myself. I had been spending so much time and energy on other people, that I had forgotten to care about me.
     Today, my friend AJ & I were catching up on life. She was filling me in on her current events: namely, an unfair situation where she and a guy inadvertently developed feelings for one another, except that he's unhappily married and isn't going to leave his wife for fear of losing his kids. They have a real connection, and she's been giving so much of herself to him (not in physical way, because she's not a homewrecking slut, but emotionally as a friend). She's been enabling him to stay unhappy in his marriage because she's been filling this void he has... except that she's not getting any fulfillment out of it. Scratch that- she's got a great friend, but that's not what she wants. She wants love and companionship and a partner, none of which he can provide. So they're taking some time apart from being friends. And I am so fucking proud of her for speaking up and having that uncomfortable conversation! She values their friendship dearly, and I know she's hurting right now. But that girl is one of the strongest fucking people I've ever met, and she is the definition of self-love. She's called me on my bullshit time and time again when I've been unhappy, especially in relationships, and she ALWAYS points out that we need to love and take care of ourselves above anything else, because if we don't, who will?
     Today was my turn to tell her the same thing, because she deserves more than she's getting. She's a catch, and giving her energy and time to someone who isn't going to scoop her up is distracting her from finding the guy who will. And then I realized something, as I was giving her advice and filling her in on my situation with S; I realized that, as I was saying, "If he doesn't want to be in this, then whatever. I'm not going to stress out anymore about someone if they're not going to make me some sort of priority", that I ACTUALLY meant it. For once, I wasn't bullshitting.
     I think I really did give it my all and left all my cards on the table when I walked out of his apartment last week, and so part of me is too tired to give anymore until I get something back. Another part of me wants him to start making his actions match the words he says; If he wants to be with me, then take 8 seconds out of your day and say something that will make me smile... but I'm not going to beg for it.
     I've always told myself after breakups that, "I'll be ok." A lot if it is just me faking it, because I figure if I tell myself something long enough, it'll eventually be true. And I always am. I rebuild myself back to my good old happy self. But this time, something is different. It sounds ridiculous, but this broke me more than the others, and so for whatever reason, when I put the pieces back together, I came out more fixed than I was before; I found a part of myself I didn't even know what missing.
     I fucking LOVE the person I've become in a week, and I can't wait to see what she grows into over time. I'm so much stronger than I give myself credit for, and I can FINALLY start to see it; today just fueled the fire. I'm a force to be reckoned with, and I'm too damn busy to sit around wondering if someone cares about me.

One of my favorite quotes is from Oliva Munn (Or at least her picture was next to it in the little meme I saw, so I assume it's from her... I have a girl crush on her, so I like to give her credit.)

     "I want you to like me, but I don't care if you don't."

I want to be loved, but not at the cost of begging someone to love me. I'm worth so much more than that, and I ABSOLUTELY deserve to get as much as I give. Does it need to be constant? No. Does it need to be 50/50 all the time? Hell no. That's just unrealistic. But I'm good enough to be made a priority if I'm making someone a priority in my life. And if the only person willing to give me that kind of love right now is me, then so be it.

I fucking love the honeymoon phase.

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