Monday, January 1, 2018

Managing Expectations

     It's been an incredible first day of the year. Normally, when I start a new year I have the same bullshit goals and aspirations that everyone has: eat healthy, work out daily, be more productive at work, live/laugh/love, and whatnot. This year, I sort of said, "to Hell with all of it." I know I want to be a better version of myself, and I know a million things that will get me there. However, I don't realistically think that they're all going to just magically happen because it's January 1st.
     I feel like I- and the rest of humanity- have a hard time with managing my expectations. It's everything from time management to relationships. Let's take today, for example:
     I woke up (after hitting the snooze, because I was up coughing all night and was tired as fuck when that alarm went off)- ooh! Case #1: I figured that I would just pop up out of bed at the sound of my alarm because it's a new year and I told myself before bed that 7 hours of sleep was enough and that I wouldn't hit snooze... and then I was up coughing... nonstop... prescription cough syrup bedamned! I could've been all uppity and woken up, but then I would've been exhausted all day and less productive. I could beat myself up about the fact that I couldn't even not hit snooze for ONE morning, but I think my lungs kicked my ass enough last night. The point is, a little leniency is alright because shit happens sometimes. Obviously if I can get a full night's sleep, I'll be much more prepared to tackle the day when my optimistic-that-one-day-I'll-be-a-morning-person self decides I should wake up. But onward we go...
     I sat down and goal-planned in my spiffy new Best Self planner. I didn't come up with my lofty 3-month goals yet, because honestly, that kind of commitment in pen is scary & needs some serious thought. I did, however, plan my week and my day. I filled every hour, partly because I needed zero quiet time to think about my latest failed relationship, and partly because the book told me to. It literally said, "don't leave any white space or you're not reaching your full potential." My issue with time management is that I completely underestimate how long things ACTUALLY take. I seem to have this idea that I work at the same speed as the Flash, which is a problem when planning my day... or being anywhere on time. Ever. But I'm working on it. I know I can't do it all, and I'm slowly learning that things take more time to do well, or just in general. I can't control who pops into the office to chat or what traffic is like. And I painted a shit ton today, & because I wanted it to look good, I didn't rush it.
     I called S and asked him for business advice. He texted me before midnight and then again this morning, so I figured the lines of communication were open to at least a cordial degree. See, I've been incredibly productive the last four days because I've been trying like Hell to keep my mind off him and off us and off everything that happened and was talked about when I was home. I had all but given up on us reconciling anything (ok, not completely given up, but was on the path of acceptance, at least). I couldn't handle another goodbye or any more excuses as to why we couldn't work or couldn't be together; every time shattered me into smaller and smaller pieces. I was basically numb when I left his place Wednesday, because I had nothing else to give. I had given him every piece of my heart that was able to fight for us, and it hadn't been enough. So I sulked for a day or so, and then decided that I needed to not expect us to get back together, because playing out all those silly rom-com scenarios we ladies loooooooove to create in our minds only sets us up for disaster & heartbreak. And I couldn't handle that again.
     So, he gave me the advice I asked for, we made small talk for about 15 seconds, and then we hung up. I had just finished painting my room black (it's not goth, it looks amazing), when he sent a message. The gist of it was that he had the blues after looking at one of the photo albums I had given him for Christmas... and that lead to conversations about him realizing that he didn't treat me all that amazing and missing the good times we had. I accused him of just being lonely, because he was the reason we weren't together. And that's when it happened: he told me he'd been having a rough time since I left his apartment. Here I thought he could've given a shit; I figured he was completely un-phased and flying high, because he hadn't seemed all that interested in fixing whatever was broken with us...
     Until tonight. So I flat out asked him what he wanted out of this; did he, if we were fixable, want to be together? I told him I needed to manage my expectations this time, because I wasn't going to set myself up for heartbreak if he didn't want it to work or didn't want to get rid of his ghosts. His response: "If we can get back to the beginning, yes."

     We both know we have a lot of work to do; this isn't an overnight fix, and it's probably not going to be easy, because anything worth it isn't... and that's ok. I'm prepared for it to be a little hard, because I love him, and I know this doesn't come easily to him. He's not real big on "feelings" and "letting it out", but I think he'll get there. I honestly think he wants it to work (or I'm completely delusional- who knows? I was in a small room with paint for a lot of hours today). But at least I have some idea of the direction it's going to go. I got the answer I needed, so I don't feel completely lost anymore.

Hopefully tomorrow is as good as today was... and if not, that's ok, too. Right now, I'm just happy.

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