Tuesday, January 2, 2018

About Last Night

     I woke up this morning in a great mood. An excellent one, in fact. Filled with hope and excitement that things with S might actually work out. I shot him a "good morning" text... and then waited a while before getting a "Hey, what's up" back. I made slightly fun, casual conversation for a little bit before deciding that he is probably slammed at work and I should leave him alone. After all, he said he wanted to work things out, so if he wants to be together, he'll show me.
     And that's how I left it. I made pretty good use of the day around the house (I actually USED my home office for what it was intended for!) until I had to go into work for a few hours. I had a fucking fantastic yoga practice to end the day, and then came home and kicked ass with dinner. YAY ME! And still, I find myself mildly disappointed because I haven't heard anything from him since this morning.
     I guess I don't get it. I don't get him. Or guys. Or people. I understand people are busy with work and life and kids and hobbies and a million, trillion other things; literally everyone except infants & rich housewives have shit going on... and even THEY have to have SOMETHING going on to occupy their time and brain power. Why is it so hard to show someone you care about that they're a priority? Why do we leave people hanging on a limb, wondering what our intentions are and what the next move is going to be? It's not like life is some game we're trying to win. Oddly enough, we all get to the end and die at some point; yes, a little melodramatic and slightly depressing, but it's true.
     We have a finite amount of time here on this Earth, and I feel like we should make the best out of the time we're fortunate enough to have. We should be as happy as possible as much as possible; we should make memories and leave legacies to whatever fucked up generation comes after the millennials or whoever is not yet at collegiate-level (I would like to think it can't get worse than them, but then again, I think that on a daily basis about our current Commander in Chief, and then he opens his mouth...); and we should be open and honest with the people in our lives. Especially once you hit your 30's. In theory, you're about 1/3 of the way through life at that point; we're too old for bullshit mind games. If someone makes you mad, tell them. If they make you happy, say so. If you love them, make sure they know. And for the love of God, make them a priority.
     Time and time again I've made the person I was with a priority, only to come second to football, coaching, work, working out, work again, siblings, work again... it's getting old. Just once, I'd like to feel like I'm important in someone's life. Maybe social media is partly to blame (isn't it for everything?). We get plastered with everyone's happy-go-lucky lives & relationships on a far-too-frequent basis... and I know half of it's bullshit (at least half). I know people filter EVERYTHING these days, and they only want you to see certain things, good or bad. And yes- I know "comparison is the thief of joy"- but STILL. How nice would it be to get a message randomly throughout the day that just says, "Hey, I'm super busy, but I wanted to let you know that you crossed my mind long enough to type this out."
     And here I am, pining away for someone who I had all but given up on 24 hours ago. It's like he wants to keep me strung along until he decides what he wants; "Oh- I sense somewhere in the universe that she's good, so I need to let her know I miss her and would like to work it out so she doesn't forget about me." All the while, my ex, T, is still in love with me... and he makes time to help me out with random things I need done, and shoots me little texts here and there just to see how I'm doing, and wishes he could do it all again differently.
     Like I said, I know S is overwhelmed with this new job and he's got a lot going on that he's trying to figure out, but I wish he would think enough of me to put me somewhere towards the top of the list. Maybe I'm crazy for still loving him and wanting it to work out. Maybe I'm crazy for not considering the possibility of relighting an old flame. Maybe it'll take more than a couple days to figure this one out.

     But at least I got through a full hour of yoga without coughing, so I suppose I should be grateful for that. And the fact that I was able to come home to a warm house and food to make on a blisteringly cold night. And my dogs still think I'm awesome. AND I did two full binds tonight. Boom.

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